After the human race goes extinct, perhaps the AI robots of the future will come up with a cure and send it back in time along with a way to keep stupid people from breeding. And then the world won't have to put up with people who blow up buildings, behead contractors, sexually molest kids, or put babies in microwaves on the popcorn setting all because their goddamned boyfriend fucked the check-out girl at the corner gas station.
I'm tired of some of you folks. Really. I know you probably had shitty parents and a lot of you don't get enough sleep or oxygen, but goddamn it! What's wrong with you!
I'll tell you what needs to happen. Somebody should come up with a biological or chemical agent we can spread over entire countries and render the inhabitants sterile. You heard me! Sterilize the whole goddamned Middle East!
They may not all be terrorists but they sure breed a lot of them. Okay, so maybe that's not the answer, but if I had a big red button which could make that happen I would surely push it and let the world call me a monster.
I'd also like to initiate a government program called Cash for Sterilization! Sort of like Obama's Cash for Clunkers except instead of $4500 for your old Dodge Dakota Sport or Ford Exploder crack-heads, criminals, and people who simply can’t work within budget constraints, could get cash-in-hand. 20 or 30 years later we could cut spending on social programs by 90 percent!
Unfortunately, both answers would have some people living in Conniption City and I'd suffer for my rationality. Yes, the fix to our evolutionary conundrum won't be answered any time soon. Fucked-up people will continue to fuck and create fucked-up kids who will grow up and be a hazard or a drain on the rest of us.
You think God cares? He doesn't seem to. The Big Guy upstairs is either on a permanent vacation, doesn't give a flying fertility, or, as many of us suspected for centuries, doesn't exist at all! That's what I think.
I used to believe in him. Really, I did. I sang the songs, shed a few tears, I went up to the front and gave him my heart. Yeah, I used to believe in Santa Claus, too. To tell you the truth, I miss Jesus and Santa more than you know. They both seemed like really swell fellows. But I think I miss Santa a little more.
Actually, atheism can be a very freeing philosophy. When one takes the all-knowing, all-good, and all-powerful being out of the equation, understanding that while he could do something about pain and suffering in the world, he doesn't, everything makes a lot more sense.
For the atheist, when bad things happen to good people, it is simply cause and effect rather than some divine plan of the ages.
Taking charge of one's life, taking responsibility of one's own actions, and treating others with kindness and respect is simply the only way to evolve into something better.
For those who would rather see all bad things as divine retribution, or karma, or as part of God's wonderful plan, I say fuck you and the extinct three-toed horse you rode in on. You will one day suffer the same fate.
How do people learn to evolve into positive, generous, caretakers of each other and the planet we live on? Good genetics, good education, good and positive social interaction, which includes good parenting.
I'm not a great man. My wife and I were not great parents. However, we raised our children to be good citizens. We raised them to be considerate of others and respect other good people, while taking a stand against corruption and selfishness.
We taught them to honor life. We taught them not to fear things or people who are different, unless they seek the harm of others.
Are children born Tabula Rasa? A blank slate?
Are we the product of our genetic make-up? Are we genetically destined to embrace insanity if insanity has been passed down to us through our genes?
Perhaps the answer to both questions are, yes. Although, I believe if I could have been Adolph Hitler's father, I could have helped him become a human being who would not have been responsible for the death of 6 million Jews.
If time travel was possible, I would surely try. Mostly because I really hate to see kids suffer. Even if they have shitty parents. Hell, if I had a time machine maybe I could be a good dad to all the terrorists and dictators and serial killers, but I digress. Who would ever have the time.
Okay, okay, I take it back. No red buttons. No sterilization. No going back in time to be a good father to people who grew up to create misery on a massive scale. Goddamnit! Just destroy yourselves. Go ahead! Let the cards fall where they may. If the human race does destroy itself with crazy religious beliefs, superstitions, toxic ideas, and basic human selfishness, we will deserve oblivion.
But if the AI robots of the future who outlive us find a way to revive us, clone us, or resurrect us from the past through time-travel, I offer my assistance. I give them permission to clone my body or do whatever it takes to make the world a better place for those who care but simply don't have the power to rid the world of stupidity.
As I ponder what may be possible in the future, I have decided to do one of the strangest things I've ever contemplated.
On Sunday, 25 December 2011, an aging Eddie Vincent buried a small metal lunchbox in his backyard. It has his DNA in it. If the AI robots of the future will honor and abide by the laws of robotics, as detailed by Mr. Isaac Asimov, and they wish to use him or his ideas to help them rebuild a better world, he promises to comply.
Until then, it's time for Eddie to take his Equate, Men's Health Formula, One Daily, with Lycopene, multivitamin. Health is good and death sucks.
The Robot AI of the future can unearth Eddie's DNA for cloning at the following GPS coordinates:
30.529607, -87.299182
30.529607 -87.299182
N30° 31.7764', W087° 17.9509'
Oh and one last thing. If the human race is destined for extinction, let’s go out with a nice zombie apocalypse, okay? I mean it may not be going out with a bang, but it would damn sure be a lot of fun--just like in Left 4 Dead.
Oh, no, wait! Before the zombie apocalypse, let's do the whole Fallout 3 thing! You know, with super mutants, nuclear fallout, and really cool guns. Yeah! We could all live in a blasted wasteland and trade caps and stuff. Now THAT would be a future worth sticking around for! Sign me up!
Eddie Vincent signing off until next time.
[Eddie Vincent is a fictional character created by Wade Buffington. Views expressed by Mr. Vincent do not necessarily represent the views of Wade Buffington. Any similarities between Eddie and Wade are entirely coincidental.]
