Echo of Silence

Mary Greene and daughter Judith Dana, my mother (circa 1945)





Meandering through a maze of thoughts in my mind I stumble upon a rotting corpse.

I am repulsed.

The corpse is my own.

It is but a reflection of my own fears of death and oblivion.

I am tired.

I too must one day sleep as you now sleep, Mary.

Will I awake to a new world of life?

Will I awake to damnation?

Will I never awake?

Irrelevant questions for today if fear is what drives my life, and I do not wish to embrace fear, though it sometimes chases me and seeks to consume me as a zombie in a video game.

Fear is rejected, love embraced.

Knowing what is right is a shield.

My blood still surges with the oxygen of life.

I am alive.

In my veins each cell a microcosm of life takes place independent of my knowledge.

It knows without reason the instructions my DNA tell it.

All work in concert to the stream and blueprints of life.

My blood seeks its path, oxygenating my body to push forth into the future, of what?

My eventual non-existence?

A mystery?

I do not know.

I know only now, just as you once did, each day is a gift of life from an unknown giver.

Is the giver like me?

Is the giver's name Chance?

I do not know.

Is yesterday a memory I build upon today simply to be forgotten with tomorrow’s demise.

Demise?

Shall my future be one of life or demise?

Demise, I think, but I hope there is more.

We all must face eventual demise in the shadow of death.

But today I have life and I love it.

I'm thankful for life.

Darkness knows nothing.

Life knows light.

Light brings with it hope for tomorrow, though darkness can bring with it rest from today.

Today knows today.

This moment is but a shadow which I ponder as time passes before my eyes and while I dream in the darkness.

Doing is the only weapon against my fear of nothingness and oblivion.

Doing is part of life and I will do.

Not doing is also life, but it reflects that darkness is upon us. 

Many seek rest.

Many run from rest.

Temporary rest in nocturnal sleep with the morning to awake us is good.

Eternal rest from the pains encountered in life may also be good, relieving us from suffering.

You were suffering and then you faded and slept.

Pain for me often makes the wonder of life stiffen into fear and sadness.

The pain of loss extends its grip.

I am sad you are gone, Mary, but glad you no longer suffer.

I will experience happiness again, but it is diminished some.

Fear is not darkness but seems to reside with oblivion.

Fear and oblivion are joyless companions who know nothing beyond the echo of silence.

They do not consider us.

Death belongs to oblivion.

Even though I try to flee the fear of oblivion, it does haunt me when I think of those I love who have passed on and their words and laughter echo in my head.

Silently the ghosts in my head echo the memories of the past.

But I will not embrace fear.

I will celebrate the lives you had while I celebrate my own life.

It is the joy of living and love which knows no fear.

I will enjoy life and love the best I can.

When it is time for me to sleep I too will embrace the darkness, but I will try to remember the same love and light of life you enjoyed in life.

Perhaps my words and laughter will also echo in the minds of those I love and leave behind.

I am thankful for the blood I was given in birth, the blood from my mother and father and from you, Mary.

Light and love are the comrades of life, I will embrace them while I have breath for my blood.

Throughout the short day of our lives we breathe-in some very amazing things.

I am thankful for it all, even if one day my future only hears an echo of silence.

I will miss you Mary Greene.

Thank you for sharing your life.

I will remember you.

Wade Buffington

May 2, 2010

In loving memory of my Grandmother, Mary Greene, who I always knew as Granny Sue.